trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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