just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he thought i was a dude.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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