oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
