Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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