Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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