God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
