Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
