Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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