My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
