this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize