I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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