Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have post one night stand depression
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
