He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
