I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
