My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Alive.
So much puke
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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