yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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