i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize