you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
