So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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