sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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