I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
