so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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