More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
