you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
even my farts smell like vagina
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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