Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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