I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
