last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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