When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
