I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
