why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
