connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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