I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
