OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
