How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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