she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sorry my hands just texted you
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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