I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize