my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
