If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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