I can tuck mytits in my pants
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
