I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize