Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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