i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Panties = found
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
