Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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