Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
