When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
