dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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