Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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