In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
