My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
