Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
