Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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