I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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