it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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