He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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