4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
