Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
