I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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