When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
