How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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