Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize